[dfib]

Please contribute....

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?'' '
'This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink.
While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone,
"Hillary is a horse's ass!"
The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an
oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across
the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.
After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself
up and said to the bartender,
"I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country."





-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler
said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and
the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is
good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify
the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."

"I know," said the old man, " But let me tell you about my weekend!

Don't mess with Old People.

 

[Guest]

I wish I could understand them, but its still funny.
[video=youtube;6guZa1X_jxk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6guZa1X_jxk&mode=related&search=>]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6guZa1X_jxk&mode=related&search=>[/video]

 

[crashmasterd]

A Pirate walks into a bar. He's such a Pirate that he not only has a peg leg, but also an eye patch and just a hook for his right hand. "Arrh! Gimme a beer!" he says.

The bartender slides him a cold frosty one and says, "Wow, it must be tough being a pirate these days! What happened to your leg?"

"Aye that it be," the Pirate answered. "'Twer six year ago when during a gale like the devils own breath a yardarm flew across the deck, takin' off me leg in one fell swipe. Now I make due just fine with this here peg!"

"That's horrible!" the bartender replied. "How did you lose your hand?"

The Pirate takes a long drag on his beer as he remembers the day. "The mate and me, we be leadin' a charge 'cross the gunnels o' a Portuguese Barque. The captain o' the Barque he made a powerful fight and cut off me hand before I nailed him through the gizzard to the foremast. Now I make due just fine with this here hook!

The bartender charged on, fascinated at the Pirates stories. "You certainly lead an interesting life. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your eye?

"Arh, that were nothin'," the Pirate said, almost embarrassed. "One day, I were swabbin' the deck when I looked up to check the riggin'. Soon's I looked up a seagull shyte in me eye."

Looking at the Pirate in disbelief the Bartender said, "I didn't think you could loose an eye to seagull shit."

"Naw," the Pirate continued swilling down the rest of his beer. "First day with the hook!"

 

[APtech77]

I wish I could understand them, but its still funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6guZa1X_jxk&mode=related&search=>

Limey.....why do you kill every good therad with STUPID SHIT.....
That was the bumbest EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Bichomalo]

A+ Limey that was Funny !!!! :drink:

 

[Guest]

Limey.....why do you kill every good therad with STUPID SHIT.....
That was the bumbest EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow Apetech, you PMS-ing. I'm suprised your ADD made it through the whole thing, it was over a minute long. :jerkit:

 

[APtech77]

 

[J-Pip]

That was some funny shit, All I could think of was, AHHHH would you like a schmoke and a pancake?

 

[dfib]

I wish I could understand them, but its still funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6guZa1X_jxk&mode=related&search=>

I found myself laughing and have no idea why..........

 

[smashtime]

Man walks into a bar and oders a cocktail. Before he can take a drink a monkey comes over and dips his balls in it.

The man motions to the bartender and says,"That monkey just dipped his nuts in my drink. Can I get another?"

The bartender says,"Sure, but you gotta be quick."
But, once again, the monkey manages to stir the libation with his sack.

"Dammit. Who's monkey is this?" Says the man at the bar.
"I don't know", says the bartender," you may wanna check with the piano player."

So the man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know the monkey that keeps dipping his balls in everyone's drink?"

"I don't know," says the piano player. "Why don't you hum a few bars. Maybe I can fake it."

 

[dfib]

My last few months have been racked with guilt and shame over a horrible incident and the need to purge myself has become overwhelming. So I turn to you for a compassionate ear.
Last summer, I took my girlfriend, I'll call her Beulah, and her son, I'll call him Eugene, to a water amusement park, attempting to nurture the bond that was forming between us. After a busy morning of paddleboats and bumper cars, we took a moment to refresh ourselves with a hardy lunch of chili dogs, cheese fries, and lemonade. Relaxing under shade trees, Eugene smiled a chili-smeared grin, as the sun cast its languid glow over the park. With the leisurely picnic ending, we hastily dispersed to the changing rooms, in anticipation of our next adventure—the giant water slide.
During our first run, I noticed a gnawing, internal discomfort, although the first sure signs of brown-capping weren’t apparent until Eugene and I climbed the half-mile of stairs to the summit, for our second run. Unfortunately, I had taken the opportunity, to wear a most-revealing, blue Speedo, in the hope of further enamoring myself to the beautiful Beulah. Lord knows, I have the body to accommodate such a blatant, public display of manhood.
However, I soon began to regret my decision, for the sharp, cut of the elastic dug into my swelling, gaseous abdomen. My intestines were bubbling like a whirlpool. By the time we reached the loading platform at the summit, I was squirming in wretched misery. Considering my options, I surmised that taking the slide was far more promising than fighting my way back down the stairs, through the crowd. Thank God I was next in line. My trouble would soon be over. The only obstacle before me was an elderly German tourist, staring pensively at the wild rapids. With obvious reservation, he shuffled slowly toward the mouth of the blue tunnel. Beyond the point of pleasantries, I bellowed, “Come on, Pops! Shake a leg!”
Turning toward the acne-pocked boy who was managing the ride that day, he made a feeble attempt in his native tongue to communicate his apprehension. I had no other choice! The brown star pulsated—nearing supernova. The manager boy recoiled in shock as I pushed the old man down the slide, headfirst. Cursing me with hostile foreign jibberish, he disappeared around the first turn. In an instant, I followed, hurling myself down the slick, plastic vortex.
The fury of the slide was incredible. Rolling and spinning, I gathered speed quickly. The angle of the chute dipped to nearly seventy degrees, increasing my velocity as I careened from side to side, the water turning to white, angry foam. Ricocheting from a high, banking wall, the impact smashed me like some fecal-laden pinata. I lost control, discharging a foul, liquid trail.
A child screamed somewhere behind me, as I slid toward certain humiliation below. Frantically, I grabbed at the back of my Speedo, in a desperate attempt to flush myself clean. To my dismay, a fetid school of dung-guppies spilled into the churning maelstrom.
Nearing the final turn, the old man was standing upright in the tunnel in front of me, I’m sure, to exact some sort of revenge. His sinewy muscles were tensed, rage filled his dilated eyes. But with youth, and gravity, on my side, I swiftly took him out at the ankles. A palsied hand grabbed me as we tumbled out of the chute, and into the pool.
Moments later, a wailing boy fell behind us, riding the crest of a polluted wave. Thinking fast, I collared the old man, and dragged him onto the concrete deck. A lifeguard confronted us as people ran screaming from the pool in pale-faced terror. I explained to the guard how the old man had soiled the waters, how obviously the speed and excitement had proven too much for a man of his age and condition.
Unable to comprehend my story, or explain himself, the old man could only respond with a flurry of incomprehensible shrieks, vective, and obscene gestures. I suggested that he was hysterical from embarassment and that in the best interests of everyone that he be removed from the park—immediately.
The guard eyed me with suspicion, but had no alternative but to believe my story. Fortunately, the force of the waters had washed me thoroughly of any incriminating evidence. I gathered Beulah and Eugene, and made a dash for the parking lot. I’m sure the truth eventually surfaced, but not until we were safely on the interstate, heading back home.

 

[dfib]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before
you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L.Price
District Representative and Water Management Division

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price, Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed
to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088
Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris"
dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for,
authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly
offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials
"debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate
their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their
dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not
think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit
prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern
that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event,
causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam
names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to
build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far
as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be
no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If
you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with
your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

 

[dfib]

When HD owners write Dear Abby






Dear Abby,



I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Heritage next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?



Thanks, Bob

 

[APtech77]

What do you call a woman with a wooden leg............ Eileen.......

 

[smashtime]

What do you call a guy floating in the ocean with no arms and no legs?

Bob.

Hanging on the wall?

Art.

Waiting on the front porch?

Matt.

 

[HiVel]

A Pirate walks into a bar. He's such a Pirate that he not only has a peg leg, but also an eye patch and just a hook for his right hand. "Arrh! Gimme a beer!" he says.

The bartender slides him a cold frosty one and says, "Wow, it must be tough being a pirate these days! What happened to your leg?"

"Aye that it be," the Pirate answered. "'Twer six year ago when during a gale like the devils own breath a yardarm flew across the deck, takin' off me leg in one fell swipe. Now I make due just fine with this here peg!"

"That's horrible!" the bartender replied. "How did you lose your hand?"





Taht picture Looks like the son of Capt Lou Albano=a real pirate

The Pirate takes a long drag on his beer as he remembers the day. "The mate and me, we be leadin' a charge 'cross the gunnels o' a Portuguese Barque. The captain o' the Barque he made a powerful fight and cut off me hand before I nailed him through the gizzard to the foremast. Now I make due just fine with this here hook!

The bartender charged on, fascinated at the Pirates stories. "You certainly lead an interesting life. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your eye?

"Arh, that were nothin'," the Pirate said, almost embarrassed. "One day, I were swabbin' the deck when I looked up to check the riggin'. Soon's I looked up a seagull shyte in me eye."

Looking at the Pirate in disbelief the Bartender said, "I didn't think you could loose an eye to seagull shit."

"Naw," the Pirate continued swilling down the rest of his beer. "First day with the hook!"

 

[durty]

Did you hear Cuba changed its national anthem, To Row Row Row your boat

 

[barryg]

Newlyweds arrive at the hotel after the reception.
The desk clerk asks 'Do you have reservations?'
She says 'Yes, I don't like it up the arse'.

Cheers
Barry

 

[Chewie.]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow his ass away."

 

[dfib]

Students in a biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk" -- Worth 70 points
or none at all.

One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:



Drum roll please............



7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".