Posts by APtech77
1 - 20 of 1723 Posts
Joined
·
8,095 Posts
George Carlin's solution to Save Gasoline . . . .
>>>
>>> Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop
>>> using
>>> so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be
>>> 11
>>> million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
>>> Bring
>>> our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
>>> illegal
>>> immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo
>>> and
>>> ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must
>>> serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's
>>> pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be
>>> allowed
>>> to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be
>>> registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will
>>> probably
>>> deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq
>>> and
>>> the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse
>>> to
>>> serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
>>> Problem solved.
>>>
>>> Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop
>>> using
>>> so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be
>>> 11
>>> million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
>>> Bring
>>> our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
>>> illegal
>>> immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo
>>> and
>>> ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must
>>> serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's
>>> pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be
>>> allowed
>>> to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be
>>> registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will
>>> probably
>>> deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq
>>> and
>>> the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse
>>> to
>>> serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
>>> Problem solved.
Joined
·
8,095 Posts
FOR YOU DOG LOVERS
10 things dogs hate about their owners.............
1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking..I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello, haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know who's boss here. You don't see me picking up your poop do you ?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!
10 things dogs hate about their owners.............
1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny... not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking..I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hello, haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know who's boss here. You don't see me picking up your poop do you ?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!
Joined
·
8,095 Posts
THE SOUTH
Kentucky : The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Alabama : A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry ?" the others asked..." " Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry !"
Louisiana : A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Tennessee : A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
North Carolina : A man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Kentucky : The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Alabama : A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry ?" the others asked..." " Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry !"
Louisiana : A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Tennessee : A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
North Carolina : A man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Joined
·
8,095 Posts
A man was lying in bed with his wife late one night. His wife was asleep when he reached over and softly began to run his hands alongside her side, around her curves, past her hips and down to her legs. Then he reached over and ran his hand inside of her thigh, gently tracing her form.
She stirred and started to become aroused. She repositioned herself. He continued for a few more seconds, running his hand to her upper thigh. About this time she was beside herself with desire.
Suddenly he stopped and rolled back to his side.
As the television turned on she sat up, noticeably perturbed.
In a frustrated tone of voice she asked "Why did you stop!?
Without looking away from the television he calmly replied:
"I found the remote"
She stirred and started to become aroused. She repositioned herself. He continued for a few more seconds, running his hand to her upper thigh. About this time she was beside herself with desire.
Suddenly he stopped and rolled back to his side.
As the television turned on she sat up, noticeably perturbed.
In a frustrated tone of voice she asked "Why did you stop!?
Without looking away from the television he calmly replied:
"I found the remote"
Joined
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8,095 Posts
Why Men are just happier people.
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Graying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Graying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Joined
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8,095 Posts
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE ATM Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check-book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check-book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Joined
·
8,095 Posts
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Joined
·
8,095 Posts
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at
Scrabble.
> (Wait till you see the last one)!
>
>
> DORMITORY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> DIRTY ROO M
>
>
> PRESBYTERIAN:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> BEST IN PRAYER
>
>
> ASTRONOMER:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> MOON STARER
>
>
> DESPERATION:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> A ROPE ENDS IT
>
>
> THE EYES: !
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THEY SEE
>
>
> GEORGE BUSH:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HE BUGS GORE
>
>
> THE MORSE CODE :
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HERE COME DOTS
>
>
> SLOT MACHINES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> CASH LOST IN ME
>
>
> ANIMOSITY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IS NO AMITY
>
>
> ELECTION RESULTS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>
>
> SNOOZE ALARMS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>
>
> A DECIMAL POINT:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IM A DOT IN PLACE
>
>
> THE EARTHQUAKES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THAT QUEER SHAKE
>
>
> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> TWELVE PLUS ONE
>
>
>
> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>
> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> WOMAN HITLER
Scrabble.
> (Wait till you see the last one)!
>
>
> DORMITORY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> DIRTY ROO M
>
>
> PRESBYTERIAN:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> BEST IN PRAYER
>
>
> ASTRONOMER:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> MOON STARER
>
>
> DESPERATION:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> A ROPE ENDS IT
>
>
> THE EYES: !
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THEY SEE
>
>
> GEORGE BUSH:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HE BUGS GORE
>
>
> THE MORSE CODE :
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HERE COME DOTS
>
>
> SLOT MACHINES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> CASH LOST IN ME
>
>
> ANIMOSITY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IS NO AMITY
>
>
> ELECTION RESULTS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>
>
> SNOOZE ALARMS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>
>
> A DECIMAL POINT:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IM A DOT IN PLACE
>
>
> THE EARTHQUAKES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THAT QUEER SHAKE
>
>
> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> TWELVE PLUS ONE
>
>
>
> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>
> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> WOMAN HITLER
Joined
·
8,095 Posts
a redhead and a blonde pass a flower shop as the redhead spots her fella buying flowers. she says "oh #$%* he always has expectations after buying me flowers. i dont feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air," the blonde says,,,,,,,,, dont you have a vase?
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