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645 Posts
Husband to Inspector....I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.
Inspector..... What is her height?
Husband...... I never checked.
Inspector..... Slim or healthy?
Husband...... Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector..... Colour of eyes?
Husband...... Never noticed.
Inspector..... Colour of hair?
Husband...... Changes according to season.
Inspector..... What was she wearing?
Husband...... Not sure, could've ben a dress or a suit.
Inspector..... Was she driving?
Husband...... Yes.
Inspector..... Colour of the car?
Husband..... Black Audi A 8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower
teamed with an 8 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full
LED headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very fine scratch
on the front passenger door..............And then he started to cry.
Inspector.....Don't worry sir, we will find your car.

32,017 Posts
Crazy but TRUE Restaurant stories:

Amy Hargrove:

"I was working as the manager at this amazingly delicious Indian restaurant. Many white people do not understand Indian food, so I got used to white people coming in, looking at the menu, and then giving me a look of hungry desperation before asking me to just pick something for them to eat.

One day after the lunch rush, I was behind the bar when a middle aged white guy came and sat down by himself. He ordered a beer and then asked for a menu. As I was expecting, he glanced at it and said, "Oh hell, I don't know what to order. Get me something to snack on while I drink." So I ordered him the Pakora, which was battered and fried onion and spinach with Indian spices and chutney— super delicious. He ate all of it, had another beer, and then asked me to order him an entree. I ordered him the Chicken Tikka Masala - chicken in a delicious, spicy creamy orange sauce. I brought it out with naan, and he ate the entire thing. After he finished everything and I was dropping his check, I asked how he had enjoyed his meal.

He said, "I loved it! Absolutely delicious! But I have to be honest with you, that was the weirdest Italian food I've ever had in my life.""

Samantha Neumann:

"I worked at a fast food burrito joint in high school (first job) in the Midwest. Not a whole lot of effort was put into attempting to pronounce the Spanish offerings on the menu. I remember a guy coming up to the counter to order, and after asking him what I could get started for him, he responded, "Barracuda." It really took me a good minute to realize he meant "barbacoa," and I actually had to turn around to look at our menu to make sure *I* wasn't missing anything.

We were in Nebraska. No oceans with barracuda for hundreds of miles."

Carrie Leonsis:

"I used to work at a English pub style restaurant, and our specialty was beer battered fish and chips. One day a woman came in with her young son during my lunch shift. The woman looked over the menu and then asked me if it was alright if she ordered the fish and chips for her son. I asked her what she meant, and then she looked me and asked "Like, will they get him drunk?" I explained that the alcohol in the beer batter cooks out when we fry the fish.

The kicker is, this lady was actually there as an undercover shopper (where is the screening process for these things?!) (Editor's Note: There is no screening process. Any idiot can — and usually does — sign up for that job). She gave me a bad review, which went to my management and I ended up getting fired. FIRED! I lost my job because of a lady who thought beer battered fish would intoxicate her toddler."

Edgar Thames:

"I had a table of very friendly, very outgoing people come in one time. Everything was going well, their orders were all very straightforward, until the last person, who ordered a steak. She couldn't remember how she liked it done, but definitely wanted it tender. After much debate, she remembered "well" is how she liked it. I tried explaining that well-done is the least-tender way of cooking a steak, but she was insistent, so I put in the order.

Food comes out, everybody's happy, then she pokes at her steak and says it's not tender enough and to throw it back on the grill. I again tried explaining that cooking the steak more would make it less tender, but the customer is always right, so I took it back.

This happened four times.

After the fourth, my manager came out and explained that the longer you cook a steak, the less juices are left in the meat, the tougher it becomes. He then asked if she'd like us to cook a new steak for her, if this one wasn't the way she liked it. She got very angry, said no and that she'd eat it even though we were wrong...and then told us that if a customer wants you to grill a steak until it gets tender, you grill it until it gets tender."

Jenny Frigosi:

"I worked for many years at a vegan restaurant with a menu specifically tailored for the crunchy-granola set (raw, gluten-free, no GMOs, etc). As you can imagine, our clientele was among the pickiest and most ridiculous in the city: enthusiastic yogis, newly-detoxing folks eager to share their political agendas, and rich snobs who were convinced they were on the cusp of figuring out how eating right might help them live forever. I swear to you I have weathered an amount of unsolicited and science-free medical advice that would make your head implode. Did you know that blenders can chop up submicroscopic particles? Did you know that waving a sword around will balance your life energy? Did you know that EVERYBODY HAS BRAIN PARASITES, and that taking black walnut pills will make them come out of your nose?

One of my favorites was the time a moderately attractive man (MAM) sits down for brunch with his lookalike brother on our garden patio. MAM spends just a few seconds looking at our menu since he is familiar with the restaurant, and decides to order the tofu rancheros. I bring him the dish; a couple of crispy corn tortillas topped with guacamole, sunflower "refried beans", fresh chopped salsa verde, bell peppers, faux sour cream, etc. I return to the table a few minutes later to check on them and MAM looks displeased. He tells me that he is allergic to the color red because it is inflammatory and could I please bring him a dish that does not have that color. Normally we tolerate lots of odd dietary requests but that was just too silly of a hoop to jump through. I politely let him know that I could have asked the kitchen to skip the red if he had asked me before the meal was prepared but that I was unable to accommodate him after he had started eating. MAM gives me the sort of look that indicates I am a moron and reassures me he can eat around the red things, but if I could remember for next time that would be great."

Crystal Norton:

"At one point, I was managing a restaurant in National Harbor, outside of DC. The restaurant had a lovely private dining room for exclusive events. One night, we provided this space to a party of approximately thirty-five guests. Everything went extremely well over the course of the night and as the party finished up we presented them with the bill.

Naturally, we added on 20% gratuity for the waitstaff. The person in charge of the group looks over the bill and tries to figure out who owes what and when she gets to the bottom she says, "Who ate the gratuity? It's the most expensive thing on here."

9,536 Posts
^^ humour?

32,017 Posts
Come over here and sit on uncle Crash's lap and he'll give you some more oogies.

5,266 Posts
Bud appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," Bud offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young blonde woman.
I told them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his H*rl*y over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground!
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago....."

32,017 Posts
How do you tell the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley in Waco?
The location of the dirt bag.

(Old joke, I know. But updated to be relevant.)

5,266 Posts
Church Organist
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Mary, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Mary very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples & over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

5,266 Posts
Bran Flakes
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

5,266 Posts
PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

3,429 Posts
Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him,

"You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day, Tyrone's mama came to school to check on how he was doing. The

teacher told his mama honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting

very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire

teaching career.

The mama was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school

and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac

disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only

one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the

teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling

down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue,

she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around

and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support

equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Obama.

5,266 Posts
"Irish Petrol Station"

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend ****, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
they were driving away, **** said to Paddy, 'I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, ****. It's not rigged at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

5,266 Posts
For you "non-pilots" out there!
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone and yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.
I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.
I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're travelling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

5,266 Posts
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go tothe pub with me?
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

32,017 Posts

5,266 Posts
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a
high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks,
having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,
were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his
discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher
opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly
1681 - 1700 of 1723 Posts