Running Nude … One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God – Hurry grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early.
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there' !
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems.'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved along side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run.?’
'Nope. . Just when it's raining.'
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the sh#t out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the sh#t out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f#cking Arabs."
The journalist and the Jewish man … A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuc*ing brick wall!"
Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now." The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." The first mother says, "He's a martyr now. "Oh, that's so sad, my dear." Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21. "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr. "Oh gracious me!", says the second mother. "And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year." "Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's also a martyr.", the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
The strongest bartender …
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I’m a Tax Office Agent.”
A local college once had a very wealthy old woman who was a benefactor of their veterinary school and hospital. The old woman also had a favorite pet: a very old parrot.
One day the rich old woman noticed that the parrot had developed a tumor on its beak. Being a benefactor of the veterinary school, she took it down to the head of the bird department. The professor looked at the beak, pronounced it was indeed a benign tumor, and proposed to surgically remove it as a demonstration to his students. The rich old woman was relived and left the bird with him for a few days.
The professor, never one to miss a teaching opportunity, gathered his veterinary students together.
"Now this parrot belongs to a patron of this school. Notice it has a tumor on its beak. I propose to remove the tumor surgically. I will perform the procedure and all of you will observe. After the procedure there will be a comprehensive test where you will be asked to answer questions about the procedure in detail."
So the professor and students retired to the operating theater to perform and observe the operation. It is important to remember three things:
1) A parrot's beak is hollow.
2) The anesthetic used is a flammable gas
3) The tool used to remove the tumor from the parrot's beak is a laser.
After the explosion, the professor turned to his students and said, "Okay class, the only question on the test is this: What do we tell the very nice very rich old woman who supports our school happened to her parrot?"
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."